it's been more than a month since i last updated. life..has been more or less the same. i worked..and it wasn't really an enjoyable experience. in fact, from the time i started looking for a job, to getting the first job at a bar, to being a phone promoter, to being a club teleconsultant and finally to a LED lamp promoter. i moved around a lot but none of them has really made me happy. okay yes, i was paid relatively well for the last job. still? i'm not complaining..it just reassures me that when i get a job in future, i better enjoy it. so yeah, i rather get a job which i enjoy but with a lower pay than the other way round. note: there's a difference between 'low' and 'lower'. man, i finally got a first-hand experience with a monotonous job and i'm not a fan of it. it easily tops my list of 'i never want to have anything to do with it'.
[you can stop reading if you don't want to hear me whine anymore. it's 3:50am now and i'm not feeling exactly great]
this is not the kind of vacation i wanted. i wanted to learn from my job and i wanted to meet more people. yes i learnt a bit and i've definitely met more people. but they are far from my expectations. then again, i know we often don't get what we want in life right?
people come and go. i've been listening to many people talking about their lives in all corners of the world and here i am, still in my comfort zone. seriously, i want to get out of here. the degree of how much i want to leave here..don't imagine how much because you can't measure it.
i've been struggling, still, with whatever fuck that have happened. yes, mock me, i don't care. i don't think i'm enjoying this kind of inflictions anymore. what i mean is, i don't find these challenges anymore. they are..chores. this is probably the main reason why i want out. i don't like what i feel, i don't like what i think and eventually, i don't like what i do. not everything, some things. sounds like i'm sucha unhappy person now aye? no, i'm not. this kinda outburst hits me really hard once in a while. when i see people i don't wish to see, when i see people i love doing things i don't like and yet i've no say. so what? suck thumb. oh and don't get me wrong, i don't hate anyone.
if i could erase some parts of my memory or if i could, like how many desire, turn back time to three years back..there are some people i rather not have met. save me from all the pain and troubles and ultimately my time and my..heart. i know i should regret saying this sentence, i should take it back. it is so easy to take back my words here. wouldn't it be nice if only some actions could be taken back and then be buried underneath the deepest avalanche? actions by these people and typically myself too. oh God, tell me how could people (and i) do such fucked up things, how? why.. some things are taking too long, i'm losing patience. not too qucikly but dangerously.
i haven't been the best daughter my parents humbly ask for. i haven't been the best friend anyone deserves.
i don't like the me at this second.
4:14am: i was bitter.
4:15am: i'm better now.
God, You are better than this i know, way better. Your grace abounds..i will wait.